


Find You, Find Me

by lilacpages17



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Growing Up, High School, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, M/M, Music, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 13:32:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19230127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacpages17/pseuds/lilacpages17
Summary: Nothing had been right for a long time, or perhaps everything had just been wrong from the start. No one had any hope for him anymore and probably hadn't ever had any from the start. He can't blame them... he wouldn't have believed in himself either.....................................................Youngjae and Jaebum have struggled in their own ways and are still trying to find themselves. Maybe they'll find someone who understands them along the way.





	Find You, Find Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!~ I've been gone a while since I'm apparently incapable of actually finishing any of the 234567 things I start lol  
> I hope you all like this piece even though I think it's a bit messy >.<
> 
> All constructive criticism and comments are greatly appreciated <3 I'll list a few songs I recommend listening to while reading this. WARNING some topics are mentioned and while not explained in detail, if you are sensitive to borderline suicidal thoughts, child abuse or yelling, or bullying please take care when reading.  
> Enjoy!  
> ...............................................................
> 
> Song Recs: Find You - JJ Project  
> Sea - BTS  
> Rain - Taeyeon  
> Utopia - Ateez  
> Love Words - Chen

_ Nothing had been right for a long time, _

 

A stone skipped twice across the surface of the river, sinking slowly to the bottom in a trail of bubbles. His eyes following the receding waves created, their circling effect fading into the great unknown.

 

_ Or perhaps everything had just been wrong from the start.  _

 

The pebble was smaller this time and flew farther, reaching almost a quarter of the width before sinking. They sank slower, drifting like feathers as they tried to resist the pull of the water. 

 

_ No one had any hope for him anymore and probably hadn’t ever even had any from the start.  _

 

The stone plunked this time, an upset hand giving it little chance of flying too far. A grunt followed it down, echoing through the air. 

 

_ He can’t blame them…  _

 

A whistle sounded somewhere nearby as a ship approached a bridge. The stones stopped flying. 

 

_ he wouldn’t have believed in himself either.  _

_ \------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _

“Hey Jae! It’s time to come inside, dinner’s ready! Go call your brother.” A motherly voice called from inside the modest house, its old grapevine patterned wallpaper peeling but patched together by childish drawings of meadows and racecars. A little boy looked up from the flower crown he was weaving, hair a mess and fingers slightly red from the tight knots he was making with the daisies.  

Youngjae struggled to his feet, velcro from his sneakers making a scratchy noise as he carefully picked up his two finished flower crowns and the one he had been working on. He quickly glanced around, looking for any sign of his brother while brushing blades of grass off his knees. The other was known for wandering off and getting into trouble. Youngjae pouted slightly and looked inside the window of his house to see the top of his mother’s head as she flitted about, probably making some sort of lunch for her sons. 

The child was always confused about why he should have to look after his brother, considering the other was two years older, but he didn’t question it now as he walked to the front of the house in hopes of finding him. Voices made Youngjae’s eyes widen when he saw his brother talking with a girl that was wearing a pink sundress.  _ Pretty _ Youngjae thought as he eyed the intricate lace patterns around the seams. He shook his head slightly, hair flopping around, to remind himself that he had to collect his brother. 

Right when the boy was about to approach the two, Youngjae saw the girl lean in to his brother, puckering her lips as she placed a shy kiss on his cheek. The girl ran down the street, waving her chubby hands and giggling. Youngjae’s brother was left standing there and blushing as he tried to hide his smile. When he turned around to see Youngjae watching curiously, the brother ran quickly to the younger and frowned. 

“Don’t tell mom.” 

“Tell mom what?” Youngjae tilted his head, genuinely confused. 

“Exactly.” The older boy walked off towards the backyard where the screen door was still unlocked. Youngjae followed slowly after, still thinking of rosy cheeks and threaded flowers. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jaebum had started writing lyrics when he was 10, always struggling to communicate to others what he was thinking otherwise. He had notebooks full of random thoughts and scrap pieces of paper sticking out of every school folder with random lines written on every edge. His parents were constantly at work in order to sustain their small family of three and aging grandparents that lived with them. Jaebum couldn’t complain. He lived in a big house in a nice neighborhood full of polite people with perfectly trimmed lawns. Somehow, he wasn’t satisfied. 

“Happy birthday!” His grandma cheered as he walked down the stairs. He was still rubbing his eyes awake when his grandma handed him the wrapped package. Jaebum smiled lightly and took the shining, rectangular present from the lady’s wrinkly hands. Just as he was about to say thank you, the opening of a bedroom door surprised him to look over. His dad was usually at work by now so seeing the man still at home was a shock. 

“Good morning and happy birthday son.” The man smiled and ruffled the boy’s hair. “I have a special present for you and I figured the best way to explain it would be for us to spend the day together.” Jaebum broke out into a grin, eyes squeezing shut happily. The grandmother watching from the side smiled gently, knowing her grandson missed his father’s attention. Jaebum ran upstairs and gently placed his grandmother’s gift on his desk and changed into proper clothes in record time. His father laughed at his son’s excitement and got ready as well. After stuffing their faces with toast and eggs, the two left the house and packed into the red sedan waiting outside. 

“Where are we going dad?” 

“To show you a surprise, one that is going to be very important for your future!” Jaebum’s smile faltered slightly at the words. He felt a nudge in the back of his mind warning him that he may not be in as favorable of a position as he had wished. 

After 15 minutes of driving in a silence only interrupted by an occasional question from Jaebum’s father and the faint buzz of a song on the radio, the car stopped moving as it was parked in a large lot. With a puzzled look, Jaebum looked out to see a huge building with hundreds of windows on all sides. It was immensely tall and people were hurrying in and out. Jaebum felt his blood run cold as he realized what the large lettering on the front of the building’s entrance said. 

“Dad, what are we doing here?”

“I’m giving you your present, an inside view of the hospital I work at! This will be great experience for you when you go to medical school.” Jaebum froze at the smile his father had on his face. The boy knew that things wouldn’t be the same from then on, that his words would constantly be twisted to fit his father’s view of him. 

Later that day, Jaebum would return home and smile half heartedly at his mother and grandparents as they congratulated him over dinner. He would run up the stairs to his room and tear open the package from his grandmother: a beautiful black leather notebook. A small note would slip out and tell Jaebum “that he had the most visionary ideas” and that he “would do the most wonderful of things”. Jaebum cried as he held the small package in a desperate attempt to cling onto what happiness it could bring him in the times to come. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Youngjae got his first job when he was in middle school. His family had always been in a rougher financial situation and his father leaving happened to be the icing on the cake. He had come home one day after school while scrambling around with his brother to come face to face with his father pushing the front door open harshly. His lips were formed into a tight line and he was clutching two suitcases so hard that his knuckles were turning white. The young boys could hear their mother screaming brokenly inside the house as the door slammed shut. They flinched. 

“D-dad?” Youngjae’s brother stuttered. Both boys had started tearing up in the confusion and desperately clasped each other's hands. A harsh hand pulled the two apart when the father grasped the older’s arm and yanked him away. The boy screamed as he was shoved inside a shabby brown car. Youngjae scrambled to the car door, tripping through his blurry tears. 

“Bye Youngjae. Take care of you mother for me.” The father said in a clipped voice while shutting the trunk and getting into the driver’s seat. Youngjae was pounding at his brother’s window as the car pulled out of the driveway, pressing his fingers against the cold glass that seperated him from his brother. Youngjae was left on his knees in the now silent driveway, breath puffing around him in the chilly autumn air. His mother rushed out the front door, hair messy and no shoes on. She fell to the ground by her son and wrapped him in a hug, both of them crying out and clinging to each other. 

A week later, Youngjae found himself spending his hours after school at a convenience store down the street, bagging people’s groceries and asking them if they wanted to pay with cash or credit. His mother had gotten extra jobs as a cleaning lady and neither of the two were home often. Luckily, Youngjae’s father had the decency to make sure the house was completely paid for so that the two left behind only had to pay taxes and their own daily living expenses. The parents had decided to split up the Choi brothers, the oldest moving with his father to Mokpo while Youngjae stayed behind with his mother in their house full of cracks and peeling paint. 

“Have a nice day!” Youngjae called out as he returned to his math homework behind the counter. At least the grocery store was usually empty enough and allowed the boy to get some of his homework done. A couple stumbling into the store caught his attention, however, making him jump out of his seat. “H-hello! How may I-” The two ignored him, giggling as they stumbled around through the aisles. “U-uhm…” 

“Heyo kiddo!” The man with purple hair hiccuped as he squinted around the alcohol section. Youngjae just blinked at the two and checked his watch. How were these people already wasted at 5 in the afternoon? He watched them warily for five minutes until they started making out, almost toppling one of the aisles. 

“O...OI!” Youngjae winced as his voice cracked. “If you aren’t going to buy anything I’m going to need to… to ask you to leave.” The woman pushed away from the other and scowled at Youngjae. 

“What a buzzkill… “ She grabbed two random bottles off the shelf and grabbed the man’s wrist, smiling again and pulling him after her while winking. They broke out into a run and dashed out the front of the store. 

“HEY!” Youngjae pushed himself out from behind the counter and gave chase to the two (he figured the coworker who was napping in the back would wake up with all the noise to take over the front). The two didn’t get far until they stumbled, nearly dropping the bottles while turning into an alleyway. Youngjae was beginning to think he should just let them be when he felt the back of his shirt being pulled to the side. His back hit the walls of the building nearby harshly, knocking the wind out of him. 

“Ehhhh. Causing trouble for our friends here? You think you’re some sort of hero? Better than us?” A man with crooked teeth was spitting in his face, making Youngjae press farther away from him. He could vaguely make out the two from before waving around the bottles happily and kissing again as they laughed at his misfortune. “Looks like we have to teach you a little lesson so that you learn where you really stand.” The man’s eyes were sparkling as he pulled his knee back and kneed Youngjae in the gut. The boy’s eyes widened and he let out a weak cough as he slid down the wall, clutching his stomach. 

“P-please-” He was cut off harshly by more feet kicking at him. The boy curled up into a ball and shielded his head from the oncoming attack. The harsh words and constant kicking and punching were slowly being drowned out as Youngjae blacked out, happy to receive some sort of relief from the constant pain. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Jaebum had just entered high school- a preppy private school that spoke of money and illustrious careers- when he realized he had no friends. It wasn’t a startling revolution; the boy had just never realized how alone he was until he was placed somewhere where everyone was looking down at him through their brand name glasses and scoffing at his second hand accessories. Jaebum only spoke when spoken to and had his earbuds in more often than not. His music was his escape. The only thing that brought him calm through the constant taunting and dirty looks, the only thing that gave him a reason to put up with any of it. 

He didn’t last longer than a month. Even though the semester had just started, Jaebum clearly had no intention of participating in class activities or studying for classes he didn’t care about. On one of the days he came back from school he was surprised to see his parents waiting for him inside, seated primly at the dining room table in their work clothes. There were a few papers out on the desk and the silence was thick with unsaid words. 

“Mom? Dad? W-” 

“Do you call these good grades Jaebum?” His father turned one of the sheets on the table roughly to display the boy’s failed tests and a printed out email from one of his teachers expressing their concern. Jaebum swore under his breath and tensed his shoulders. “We expected more from you. You’ll never make it into medical school with these sort of grades. You have to start preparing now and mak-” 

Jaebum tuned out the rest, watching his father’s lips move with empty eyes and a tired mind. He had heard the rest of the speech countless times before. Get good grades. Be top scholar. Get into university. Become a doctor. That’s all Jaebum was needed for in life right? He spared his mother a brief glance but turned away harshly when he saw that she was checking her messages under the table. She had never cared much about him in general, making him wonder why she had a son in the first place. 

“May I be excused?” Jaebum cut his father off quietly. The older man simply huffed and threatened Jaebum to clean up his grades “or else”. The boy had rushed up the stairs to his room, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He spent that night alternating between wiping his wet face and scribbling down messy lyrics and thoughts in hopes of getting the thoughts out of his head. 

The next day, Jaebum was completely ignored by his parents as usual. He took the bus, sitting in his normal spot while getting similarly ignored by everyone else. 

“Excuse me, may I sit here?” Or so he thought. 

“Are you talking to me?” Jaebum asked while stopping his hand movements, earbuds halfway up to his ears, a beat faintly thumping inside. The boy talking to him seemed to be around his age but fit the prep school image his parents had always desired so much better. His black hair was parted neatly down the middle and his eyes were wide and observant. Jaebum peered around the other bus seats, seeing plenty empty that weren’t beside him. 

“Yup!” The boy sat down in the seat without waiting for Jaebum to finish sputtering. “What school do you go to?” 

“Inchang. ” 

“Woah really! Me too.” The boy gave Jaebum a knowing smile and pulled out his phone, scrolling through his feed as if they had sat next to each other countless times. Jaebum couldn’t help but scoot a little bit more away from the boy in an attempt to avoid embarrassing himself. They rode the rest of the way in silence, but the small wave the preppy boy gave Jaebum when they parted ways on the bus gave him a feeling he hadn’t seen the last of him.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Youngjae hated high school. There wasn’t much, if anything, that he could say he was particularly fond of. The halls stank of sweaty gym socks and his classes were full of gossiping cliques that made his head hurt. He had tried so hard to get into the private school and yet he was faced with the same amount of rambunctious students as he would’ve been at any other public high school. Youngjae was thankful regardless for the support that he had been given by the teachers his first year. While he had yet to make any friends his age, the professors seemed to appreciate Youngjae’s hardworking spirit and attentive nature that was unlike that of most of the spoiled brats that attended Inchang high school. 

“Waiting becomes sadness

Sadness grows bigger and makes me look for you

Will you let me know where you are?” A smooth singing voice broke Youngjae out of his stupor. The brunet had been wandering the halls of the large school during his lunch break and had wandered into the arts wing of the building. A husky voice had startled his daydreaming with lyrics that struck a chord with him. Youngjae strained his ears to try and find where the singing was coming from but found himself almost getting lost. The voice had a calming effect that the boy hadn’t heard in a long time, except maybe from his ratty ipod.  

The singing soon stopped completely and Youngjae let out a sigh of frustration. He had come to a halt in front of the only room with an open door, suspecting the person had left only moments ago. What had the boy been expecting? He wouldn't have had the courage to say anything regardless. A large piano took up almost all of the space in the room and left Youngjae with wide eyes at the polished exterior. The lid had been lifted off the keys and there was a faint scent of something spiced and woodsy, likely a sort of cologne that the boy found strangely comforting. 

Youngjae hadn’t learned to play the piano, his lack of money for a tutor or even any semblance of a keyboard preventing him from considering the notion. His father hadn’t supported his passion for music, even when he had been around. His father wasn’t very accepting of Youngjae in general. It was probably the reason he had taken his older brother instead of Youngjae. The man wanted a strong son, one he could toss baseballs to and talk about cars with. Youngjae couldn’t care less about sports or cars or anything else his father considered “manly”. Youngjae didn’t care anymore. The man was out of his life and perhaps it was for the best considering that he would’ve made Youngjae’s life more difficult in a different way than now. 

The boy now found himself hesitating to even stay in the room longer. He was a coward. Someone who couldn’t face the possibility of rejection. So scared to disappoint people that he didn’t even bother to make friends. He knew who he was. What he liked and what he was talented at. But Youngjae also knew himself well enough to know that he couldn’t have the life he dreamed of because something would always find a way to stand in his path-the final boss he could never beat. 

He left the room and closed the door firmly behind him and rushed to get to his next class, pushing muddled thoughts of singing voices and warm embraces behind him.    

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Im Jaebum!” The boy jumped in his seat at the sound of his name, glaring at the teacher that had called his name. She waved a test in Jaebum’s face so that he could see all the red marks. Great. His father was going to just love that. Jaebum rolled his eyes as he clasped the paper and dropped it on the desk. 

“Nice one.” His best friend, Jinyoung, was smirking at him from the desk behind as he was handed his 100% paper. He hadn’t been able to get rid of the boy since their meeting on the schoolbus so long ago, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. The initially awkward relationship evolved into a dynamic that neither thought they would ever have, full of snarky remarks but fierce protectiveness for each other. Jaebum stuck his tongue out childishly and ruffled his messy black hair. He hadn’t gotten a good grade on a test since he had started high school. Now, as a senior, Jaebum had completely given up on getting into the prestigious university his father had had in mind since the boy was in kindergarten. Jaebum rarely talked with his parents now. His grandparents had moved into a special old person’s center long ago and his house now felt way too big and empty with its chandelier at the entrance and crystal wine glasses. 

Although Jaebum wasn’t in any sort of gang yet he certainly looked like he could lead one. He had taken a liking to piercings in middle school and his ears were covered in them; he even had one on his eyebrow and another on his tongue. He usually only wore black and leather themed clothes along with the occasional heavy rings. Jinyoung on the other hand always looked like he had just walked out of a prep school. His motto seemed to be “dress to impress” since he was always seen wearing brand name clothes and prim sweaters with polished shoes and ironed pants. The two made a ridiculous pair walking down the halls but no one dared to comment. 

“Your dad is going to kill you, you know? You needed to get an A on that test to pass this class. He’s been pretty lenient but failing a class doesn’t seem like something he’d be ok with.” Jaebum huffed at his friend’s criticism while shoving the paper into his backpack and standing. He knew Jinyoung was right, he just hadn’t felt the slightest bit of motivation to study. All his free time was spent working on music lyrics and composition- it was the only thing that kept him going. 

“So what do you suggest I do?” 

“Beg Mrs. Park to let you retake the test and find a tutor to help you pass it.” Jaebum gaped at his friend but swallowed down his protests. In the end, that would probably be the only solution. With a drawn out sigh, Jaebum hauled his backpack over his shoulder and approached the front of the room while ignoring Jinyoung’s cheeky smile and thumbs up.       

“Mrs. Park?” The teacher jumped slightly at his voice, not expecting the boy to be speaking to her. She didn’t even remember him ever addressing her by her name the whole semester. The fidgety woman cleared her throat and sat up in her chair, on guard lest anything happen with the frightening looking student. 

“Yes Jaebum?” 

“I-I know this is a bit late to ask but… is there any chance I could retake the last test?” Mrs. Park scrunched her brows and frowned slightly. Jaebum could feel himself panicking and gripped his backpack straps tighter. “Please, I’ll study for it  but I need to pass this class! I’ll get out of your hair after just please give me another chance.” Jaebum bowed at a tight 90 degree angle. Mrs. Park seemed to think this over for a minute before brightening up significantly. She couldn’t help but be pleasantly surprised but the school’s bad boy acting like the stuttering teenager he truly was.  

“I think we could arrange that. I’ll do even better-I’ll arrange a tutor for you!” Jaebum whipped himself straight again and stared at her. “There’s someone who I’ve been trying to get out of his shell for a while now and he’s incredibly intelligent. You’d do each other some good.” She nodded happily and wrote down a quick note in the open notebook on her desk. 

“T-thank you! I’ll pass it this time I promise.” Jaebum bowed again and backed out of the class as his teacher yelled about filling him in later. He high-fived Jinyoung and the two walked out of the class, brushing against a few students that were walking the other way. 

“S-sorry…” A brown haired boy stuttered.  

Youngjae walked into his math class expecting to be ignored as usual, shuffling to the back of the class.   
“Oh Youngjae! Just who I was looking for.” The boy looked up in surprise at Mrs. Park who was smiling amicably at him. He carefully slid out of his chair and walked to the front of the class, head down as other students began filing into the room. Youngjae tilted his head in question when he looked up at his teacher. Mrs. Park cleared her throat slightly and pushed a notebook towards him. “I know you don’t participate in my class much Youngjae,” The boy flinched slightly. “ but I also know that you’re very intelligent. I have a student struggling in the hour before this and he could use a tutor.” Youngjae raised his eyebrows and glanced around nervously. He was in a very accelerated math class, having skipped several courses to get where he was. He agreed that he worked hard, but he wasn’t sure about assisting someone in the highest level of math at their school. 

“I-I…” 

“I think it would be good for you Youngjae.” Mrs. Park smiled gently. “You know tutoring pays quite well. You could get some extra math practice, something to write on your college application, and some extra cash.” The woman winked at Youngjae as he perked up at the mention of money. He had picked up two different jobs since starting high school. He was working the night shift at a bar as a waiter and as a busboy at a restaurant near his home, but his full ride scholarship was the only thing that really let him keep studying at the school. Tutoring would indeed allow him more time to study for less effort than he was currently putting in. 

“All-Alright.” He whispered while tugging at the sleeves of his oversized sweater. 

“Wonderful!” The woman clapped her hands happily as she pulled out several papers. “I’ll let you know the exact place, time, and pay later this week but I’m glad this worked out.” Youngjae rushed back to his seat with a light nod, ready to start the class and get on in his usual monotonous fashion. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good luck!” A red-headed boy patted Jaebum on the back as he walked towards the door of the public library. 

“Mark, you know you didn’t have to walk me here.” The other simply shrugged and waved his friend goodbye as he walked the other way. Jaebum adjusted his grey scarf around his neck and huffed. His friend group had grown substantially since meeting Jinyoung and while he loved his new friends, they could overbearing at times with their concerns. “Here goes nothing…” He mumbled while pushing the heavy doors of the library open. They shut softly behind him as Jaebum gaped at the large ceilings of the building and beautiful rows of shelves. Jaebum usually didn’t come to the library, his house being quiet enough and his allowance large enough for him to buy whatever books he wanted to read. He blinked away the initial awe to look among the tables scattered throughout. The wooden furniture gave the space a homey feel and the quiet talking of people studying and open books created the perfect atmosphere for studying. Jaebum walked slowly past a few of the tables glancing at each one he saw. He only had a small description of the boy he was supposed to meet so he nearly missed him when he finally reached the table where the boy sat. 

The other had his head laid down on his arms and eyes closed, messy brown hair sprawled over his forehead. A pair of thick-framed round glasses sat by his head and small huffs were coming out from the apparently asleep  boy. Jaebum smiled slightly at his overly long sleeves and light colored sweater that made the whole scene even softer. 

“Youngjae?” Jaebum whispered as he lightly touched the boy’s shoulder. He desperately hoped he had found the right person since the situation would be terribly embarrassing otherwise. The younger jolted slightly and blinked rapidly, sitting up and widening his eyes as he realized the other was talking to him. A familiar scent filled his nose but he blinked the sleepy thoughts away, attention on the boy in front of him. He quickly put his glasses on and Jaebum took the time to study the boy’s huge eye bags and slightly (ok very) adorable mole that got covered up by the glasses. “Hi, I’m Jaebum.” 

“A-ah! Sorry I didn’t get much… much sleep last night.” Youngjae muttered as he jumped out of his seat to bow deeply to the other. 

“Woah no need for bowing! Let’s get started?” Jaebum took a seat across from the other while Youngjae blinked a few more times and blushed as he sat back down. “I would say what I need to work on but, honestly, I need help with everything.” 

“Oh… “ Youngjae pouted slightly and patted down his hair in a fruitless attempt to wrangle his hairdo. “Yeah I heard we… we have a lot of work to d-do.” Youngjae pulled out his textbook and a few other materials from his tattered backpack while Jaebum pulled out his own materials. Jaebum eyed Youngjae’s scratched up hands and falling apart school supplies with concern. 

“Alright. I guess we should start from the beginning?” Youngjae nodded and the two began going over the basics. 

Soon, Youngjae found himself yawning, face stretching as he watched Jaebum try out a problem he just explained. The other was smart and much more compliant than he was expecting. The whole “don’t judge people by their appearances” lesson was his first thought while he watched the boy stick his tongue out slightly in concentration. They had a month until the retake exam with meetings three times a week until the fated day. So far they had been making decent progress and Jaebum was understanding of his difficulties with warming up to people. He had been terrified when he got his first look at the boy but found that their first session was going much smoother than he could have anticipated. 

“It’s already 6 wow.” Youngjae checked his watch and then his old flip phone. He had arranged with the restaurant owner to not work on tutoring days so he didn’t need to get to his next job until 9. 

“Thanks for the help, a lot of this makes a much more sense when you explain it!” Jaebum smiled widely, surprising Youngjae slightly.

“G-good! That’s what I’m here for. To make you… understand stuff and pass the exam… and whatnot.” Youngjae rambled while blushing. Jaebum laughing quietly as he put his stuff away and Youngjae blushed even harder. 

“Youngjae, would you want to go get a coffee real quick? There’s a really good cafe by here. My treat.” Jaebum looked at the younger expectantly and Youngjae gaped. He rarely had enough money to go out anywhere and he didn’t have many friends to invite him out either. 

“Are you s-sure?” 

“I offered, didn’t I?” Jaebum stood up from the table and stretched, shirt riding up slightly. Youngjae ducked down quickly in order to stop staring and haphazardly shoved the rest of his things into his backpack. The two walked out of the library and started towards the cafe down the street, a gap between them while they started down the busy streets.. Youngjae tugged his mismatching clothes tighter around himself as he glanced at Jaebum out of the corner of his eye. They walked in comfortable silence, the sounds of traffic and people rushing from place to place creating enough noise as is. The younger couldn’t help but analyze Jaebum, his earrings glinting whenever a light hit them and his head bobbing to some imaginary beat. He shined in a unique way. Not the usual bright sunshine smiles and laughs that people tend to think of, but a slowly lit flame that flickered wildly. There was something tempting about it, but Youngjae knew that if he got too close he could burn. 

“Here we are.” Jaebum pulled open the door of a modern looking coffee shop that had burlap coffee sacks hanging in the window along with random english words lit up in neon signs. Youngjae walked through to be greeted with the pleasant smell of roasting coffee and freshly brewed tea. There were several metal tables scattered throughout and the front looked like what he imagined a typical coffee shop to look like with its chalkboard menu hung up and glass case of treats out for display. “Anything you want in particular?” 

“I’m fine with anything… “ Youngjae started while Jaebum chuckled slightly. The older stepped up to the counter and ordered some things Youngjae couldn’t recognize and pulled out his wallet. Youngjae’s eyes widened as he stared at the amount of cash inside but he shook his head quickly. He had only resorted to pick pocketing on rare occasions and he wasn’t about to steal from someone who had been nothing but nice to him so far. 

“We can take a seat over there? I usually go to that table so.” Jaebum rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and led Youngjae over to a table in the back corner that had a large, leafy potted plant by it and a pink neon sign reading “eclipse” right above it. The two sat down and talked about whatever came to mind from Youngjae’s upper level schedule at the private school despite him still being a sophomore to Jaebum’s peculiar sense of fashion and love of writing. 

“I love music too!” Youngjae’s eyes lit up at the mention of making music and Jaebum smiled even wider. The two barely noticed their order being placed on the table between them as they dove into a debate over their favorite artists and instruments. Youngjae couldn't remember the last time he had talked to someone so easily or freely about his passion and felt the tension in his shoulders unwind.  

“Oh! I didn’t even notice but looks like our coffee is here.” Youngjae looked down at the white cups that were steaming with a foamy liquid, adorable powdered bears on the top of both their drinks. The hours ticked by as the two talked quietly in the peace of the small shop, their coffee finished and homework long forgotten. That table would become a meeting place for days to come. A place where Jaebum and Youngjae could sit and express their worries, their loves, their sadness and happiness while staying in the company of someone who was willing to completely listen to all their grievances with no spiteful reprimands to give. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“How about going to the aquarium?” Youngjae looked up from the book he was reading in surprise and adjusted his glasses.

“The aquarium?” 

“Yeah. Have you ever been? I haven’t gone since elementary school but I thought it might be fun to take a break there.” Jaebum suggested casually. “If you want that is.” Youngjae giggled slightly at Jaebum’s failed attempt to seem calm about the invitation and set down his book. They had been holed up in the library for a while and both their heads were starting to pound. 

“Sure! I’d love to.” Youngjae flashed his signature bright smile that made Jaebum light up instantly, chest fluttering in anticipation.

And that’s how the two boys found themselves waiting in line to enter the aquarium the next day, huddling under Youngjae’s frog shaped umbrella to shield away the drizzling rain. Jaebum had gotten there half an hour before their agreed time, jittery with nerves and trying to reassure himself that they were only going as friends and not doing anything weird regardless. Of course that notion was thrown out the window when Jaebum made sure to pay for Youngjae’s ticket (making the other protest loudly and pout cutely). This led to the younger grabbing Jaebum’s hands and pulling him through the exhibits excitedly, chirping about all the various creatures and displays available. 

The two spent the entire day fooling around, worries about their busy lives forgotten for the few hours they spent together. Youngjae pressed his face up against the jellyfish tanks while Jaebum took pictures of his oblivious friend constantly. They walked from tank to tank of tropical fish and pinching crustaceans. It was when the two reached the otter tank that they finally stopped running around, Youngjae too enthralled by the energetic creatures and Jaebum too absorbed in the younger’s excitement. 

“You kinda look like them you know?” 

“No I don’t! I’m not nearly cute enough.” Youngjae stuck his tongue out as his friend, just proving Jaebum’s point as he scrunched his nose up cutely to match that of the animals behind him. This time, Jaebum stuck his phone out obviously to take a picture, leaving Youngjae slightly stunned. “OI!” 

“Come on, you look even cuter than them so don’t worry.” This just made Youngjae blush as he stood up straighter and grabbed for Jaebum’s phone. The latter was slightly taller and able to wrangle the device above his head, leaving Youngjae to jump up in a failed attempt to erase the embarrassing picture. 

“Jaebummmmmmm!” Youngjae whined pathetically and gave his best puppy eyes. Jaebum inhaled slightly, willing himself to be strong, and stepped back so that Youngjae stumbled forward slightly. The two were once more a laughing mess as they chased each other around the aquarium. They probably looked incredibly childish but neither paid much attention to anyone but each other. Youngjae couldn’t remember having been this carefree since his childhood with his brother when the two would chase butterflies and frogs, innocent enough to believe the summer nights could last forever. The water left wriggling reflections on the two as they passed through tunnels of water filled with swimming creatures and tanks of colorful coral. 

“Thanks for coming.” Jaebum would say later, all previous confidence gone as they stood right outside the exit of the large building. The rain had stopped and large puddles were reflecting the sunlight that was peaking through. 

“Thank you for inviting me! This was fun… I haven’t done anything like it in a while.” Youngjae gave Jaebum’s hand (which he hadn’t even realized he was still holding) a squeeze and placed a light kiss on the elder’s cheek before he could rethink his decision. Jaebum was left standing shocked, eyes wide as his hand went to his face while Youngjae waved goodbye and ran off towards the bus station. He couldn’t help but remember his brother and the girl he would fawn over as a kid. Was this how he felt? Was the tingling sense of warmth what the girl had felt when she decided to kiss his brother on that day? The whole thing had felt like a dream- over in an instant with only warm feelings left to convince either that any of it had occurred.  

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It was weeks later when the date of the make up exam was approaching that Jaebum began feeling the familiar sensation of anxiety and… fear. Jaebum had learned not to get scared easily and not be disappointed by much in life. He had gotten used to angry shouting and to vases and books being thrown dangerously close to his face. This was a different sort of fear, one he most certainly wasn’t used to. As someone who avoided attachments with others, it took Jaebum three days before the test to realize what he had been losing sleep over. 

He was terrified to lose him. 

Youngjae was the first person since Jinyoung and Mark who had tried to understand him or tell him that he didn’t have to be a doctor. He was the first one to truly get his love of music and share the same passion as well as similar obstacles. And now he was going to lose him. After the exam was over, Jaebum had no excuse to ask Youngjae to the coffee shop. He wouldn’t be able to text him at ungodly hours asking about math questions only to divert to other random topics. He wouldn’t have anyone to share animal photos with or practice singing his own lyrics with. Jaebum would be alone, just like he had been from the start.

 

KNOCK KNOCK. Youngjae jumped at the frantic pounding on his front door. With a frown he set down the ladle he was holding while preparing dinner and lowered the heat on the stove. He had been given the evening off and had decided to surprise his mother with dinner when she arrived home that day, something he hadn’t had the time to do in a long time. He shuffled quickly through his musty house to the door nervously. If the person on the other side knocked any more, the poor thing would bust inward considering its age. Youngjae’s house hadn’t gotten any refurbishments in a long time and there were plenty of holes and marks to prove the point. 

“H-hi who is- Jinyoung?” Youngjae’s initially weary expression turning into one of shock as he stared at the handsome young man panting on his front steps. He seemed relieved to see the younger as he wiped his wet bangs away from his face. The two had met during a few of the library study sessions where the boy had tagged along. Jinyoung was kind, albeit sly with his constant teasing. Youngjae couldn’t fathom why he was here now considering he hadn’t told him his address at any point nor were they particularly close.

“Hello Youngjae… You haven’t seen Jaebum around have you?” 

“Jaebum? No. Why what’s wrong? Did something happen?” 

“We can’t find him.” Youngjae’s eyes widened as he tried to recall the last interaction he had with the elder. They hadn’t met up that day to study so the last time was yesterday at the cafe. 

“C-can I help you look for him p-please?” Jinyoung smiled kindly and nodded. Youngjae scurried inside and turned off the stove completely, covering all the food he had prepared. After sprawling down a quick note, Youngjae tossed his apron to the side and yanked on a ratty pair of tennis shoes that Jinyoung was scowling at in disgust, probably due to their atrocious coloring (they were on sale and Youngjae couldn’t exactly afford to be picky). He had forgotten his glasses and would likely face the wrath of his mother later but he couldn’t be bothered to think about that now. The two ran off down the street, ignoring the pouring rain outside. Jinyoung quickly explained that he had checked Jaebum’s house as well as their usual hangouts but couldn’t find him anywhere. 

“I have no idea why he disappeared like this. He’s only done it once before and , well, that was a long time ago.” Jinyoung stared at Youngjae determinately. “He always tries to convince himself that he’s alone but he’s not and I can’t seem to convince him of that. You know he really likes you, right?” Youngjae blushed slightly, hoping the running would mask it as exhaustion. 

“I-I guess… By the way, how did you know where I live?” 

“Ah… well I may or may not have had to take a roundabout way and asked the school board. I’m sorry I was desperate. Don’t worry I’m not judging your home or a stalker or anything of the sort.” Youngjae let out a breath and desperately hoped the other didn’t find the place he lived that disgusting. He knew the pots catching dripping water from the ceiling and mismatched, mostly broken furniture wasn’t attractive but it was his home in the end. 

“Thank you.” The two exchanged smiles and continued their jogging, eyes darting to every lit shop and store as they tried to narrow down the possible places Jaebum could be. They stopped to ask several people wandering around the streets if they had seen anyone that resembled Jaebum but made little progress. It was when the two interrupted a couple kissing that Youngjae finally stopped jittering around and rambling 24/7. Jinyoung noticed the silence immediately as they stepped away from the giggling two who stumbled down the street. 

“Everything alright?” 

“Y-yeah. I was just thinking being in a relation… relationship is, um, weird.” Youngjae rubbed his wrists and wrung out his wet bangs even though they were still standing in the rain. Jinyoung stared at him with his familiar poker face that made Youngjae clear his throat nervously. The rain had been speeding up and slowing down all night and it had started up again particularly hard, pelting the boys who barely cared about the weather at that point. 

“It’s alright I know you like boys Youngjae. That’s perfectly fine and all but yeah it’s definitely different.” The younger nearly choked as he abruptly stopped his thoughts from wandering. His eyes were wide and he was clutching his sleeves tightly. How did the other know? He usually hid it pretty well didn’t he? If someone he had only met a few times knew did that mean others did too? Did they know about the rest of it? Did the- 

“YOUNGJAE!” The younger halted his rapid breathing when he realized Jinyoung was shaking him lightly by the shoulders. The other looked concerned. Not disgusted or weirded out, just worried. 

“H-how-” 

“Calm down, don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with it. I shouldn’t have said it the way I did I’m sorry.” Jinyoung was apologizing to him?

“N-no I shouldn’t b-be-” 

“Youngjae it’s fine, really. I only said that because I know Jaebum likes you to, probably the same way you do. I have personal experience in this realm; believe me, I’m not one to judge you.” Youngjae was having a hard time wrangling his tears now. They were mixing with the rain on his cheeks, making his face wet and sticky. The boy couldn’t control his sobs and broke down as he fell to the ground. Luckily, the two were still on the sidewalk and Jinyoung was able to maneuver them under an awning from a nearby shop so they had at least some semblance of shelter. The rain was cold and the boys were shivering but neither made to move. Jinyoung had enveloped Youngjae in a hug as the younger cried while the elder patted his head comfortingly. No one had ever told Youngjae it was ok, that anything about him was alright. His mother still loved him, but she hadn’t been able to understand him when he confessed his preferences to her, whether it was of career or life partner.  J _ aebum did _ . Youngjae quickly realized that the other had always praised Youngjae, always thanked him for every bit of help and complimented him on his lyrical compositions and singing voice. And now he was somewhere alone. Resolutely, Youngjae rubbed the back of his hands over his face and pushed away from Jinyoung slightly. 

“Thank you so much; really, thank you.” He gave Jinyoung the brightest smile he could muster and scrambled to his feet. Jinyoung followed after and the two set out into the night once more in order to find their friend. Jinyoung couldn’t help but agree with Jaebum’s description of Youngjae as being like a meteor shower. The other was bright and unpredictable, yet beautiful in his own way. The rain was picking up even harder as thunder rang in the distance and Jaebum could be anywhere. Youngjae just hoped they found him in time. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jaebum could feel the grass digging into his back, the wetness of his shirt thinning the layer between him and the earth. The rain was pattering onto his face but he didn’t care anymore. He had tossed so many rocks across the river that he was surprised there were any even left on that side of the bank. He had been there for half the day and no one had found him (not that he expected them to). He couldn’t decide if he wanted anyone to find him in his pitiful silence. The cars zooming across the bridge created a deafening noise against the harsh rain and the flow of the river nearby as Jaebum tried to consider his options. 

He could stay here and wait. Wait until someone found him, whether it was someone he knew or some random stranger that took pity on him. He could return home. Return home and face a harsh screaming match and probably a physical encounter after this stunt so that was the least likely of his possibilities. He could move locations to make it easier for someone to find him and maybe get some warmth. He could end it all quite quickly too. The river was looking particularly convenient. 

He decided to wait. Jaebum thought about his parents first. They’re always finding a way to make things harder, aren't they? They wouldn’t look for him. If anything they’d be happy he was gone. Jinyoung and Mark. They might try to find him but the chances were slim. Mark wasn’t even in town that week and Jinyoung would give up in this weather soon enough knowing how much the other hated getting his clothes dirty. 

Youngjae. Jaebum would like to think that Youngjae would realize he was gone. But how would he know? Would Youngjae even care enough to look for him? The younger had enough to worry about and Jaebum’s stomach clenched just at the thought of making the other worried. But the younger was better off without him. He couldn’t do anything right, whether it was that dumb exam at school or learning how to talk with others or becoming the perfect son his parents wanted. Youngjae could do better- would do better. He wouldn’t even m- 

“IM JAEBUM!!” Jaebum’s eyes shot open at the screech. He shut them quickly when the rain began pouring onto his eyes and sat up. He recognized that voice but the crack in the scream made him cringe all the same. Just as he thought, Youngjae was standing at the top of the hill that led down to the river bank, leaning his hands on his knees as he knelt down to catch his breath. The younger was completely soaked and was panting heavily, a broken look on his face was revealed when he finally looked up. 

“Youngjae?” The elder barely had time to utter the name before he was being tackled to the ground from Youngjae sliding down the hill to hug him. Youngjae wrapped his arms tightly around Jaebum and buried his face in the elder’s neck. Under regular circumstances Jaebum would start blushing like an idiot and push the younger away in embarrassment, but Youngjae’s shaking and heavy breathes made him reconsider as he just hugged him back. 

“What are you… how did you find me?” Jaebum whispered into the other’s wet hair. 

“We looked e-everywhere for you. You idiot.” Youngjae hiccuped while weakly punching Jaebum’s chest. Jaebum turned his eyes to Youngjae’s and was startled by how sad and concerned they looked while somehow also angry and relieved. The younger was an entire storm of emotions and Jaebum couldn’t help but be swept up by it. He looked so concerned for him that Jaebum couldn’t believe he had even considered that Youngjae wouldn’t care. In fact, the boy always cared too much and loved too deeply. He trusted so much and here was Jaebum, running away from his problems while Youngjae always faced his head on with a determined smile on his face.

He regretted his thoughts from earlier, realizing that he had gotten swept up in the moment. Jaebum swore to himself to make sure Youngjae didn’t have that broken look on his face ever again, that he’d try harder to prove himself to not only his parents but to everyone else who doubted he could really achieve his dreams.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m so sorry Jae.” Youngjae just nodded slightly and pushed Jaebum’s bangs out of his eyes, trying his best to smile. Jaebum shivered slightly at the touch and glanced quickly around to see if anyone was watching. Youngjae, however, just continued to stare at Jaebum’s face as the other stared back. Right as Jaebum was about to suggest they get out of the rain, he felt the other lean forward until he has leaning back on the heels of his hands. Oh yeah and that Youngjae was kissing him. Now THAT was unexpected. Not that Jaebum was complaining, in fact he felt a weight lift off his chest at the contact. After a second Youngjae leaned back, however, seemingly just as surprised as Jaebum by the sudden action. 

“I-I’M SO S-SORRY!” 

“You better be. That was very short considering how long I had to wait for you out here. You owe me another one.” Jaebum smirked and leaned forward to capture Youngjae’s surprised expression in another kiss. Youngjae made a small squeaking noise as he realized Jaebum wasn’t disgusted at all and was , in factm kissing him again. After a minute of messy kissing the two broke apart and stared at each others’ worn out looks. Youngjae felt laughter bubble up in his chest as he saw Jaebum staring at him with mouth hug open in a gummy grin and eyes glittering. 

That’s how Jinyoung found the two five minutes later: breaking down in laughter on the glossy grass by the river back, clutching each other as if to make sure the other didn’t let go again.  

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jaebum never thought he’d be so happy to be disowned. Well, disowned may not be the right word. His parents had been outraged when he confessed that he had been accepted to an art university in Seoul and had a boyfriend to top it off. His father had left the room and refused to see him since while his mother smiled sadly as she led him to the door where he left with a smile on his face and bags packed to be taken to his new apartment. As long as he didn’t get into trouble that affected them, his parents agreed to buy him a new place to move into. 

He supposed he should feel betrayed. Maybe even heartbreakingly sad. But Jaebum could only feel relieved. He wasn’t going to be forced to spend decades of his life being a doctor or pretending to be someone he was not. He had been recognized by one of the top professors at the university and was instantly given a place in the music program where he could focus on producing the songs he loved. Now, Jaebum held the old leather journal that had long been filled with his most treasured pieces and thoughts in his arms as he rode the taxi to his new start, thinking of otter-like smiles and melodies waiting to be played.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Youngjae was 18 when he finally moved out of the rickety house he had called home for most of his life. He was lifting moldy cardboard boxes to help move his mother into a smaller apartment when he saw his brother again. Youngjae barely recognized the man in front of him; the older boy he hadn’t seen since the two were torn apart by their parents. The younger nearly dropped the box in shock, instantly recognizing the boy who although older, still had the same distinctive features and mole identical to his under his eye. 

“Hey Jae; it’s been awhile hasn’t it?” The older brother had his eyes filled with tears as he stumbled to run over to his sibling. The two were wrapped up in each other, cardboard boxes forgotten on the ground and all decorum thrown out the window. It wasn’t until their mother wandered out the front door to check on her son that they broke apart, smiling widely at her. The woman sobbed loudly at the sight of her son and tackled him in a large hug that almost sent him to the ground. 

Youngjae felt lighter, almost giddy with excitement. He would be seeing Jaebum again soon and he had seen his brother for the first time in years. His mother would be safer in an apartment all to herself and he would be going to an art college on a scholarship (thanks to his amazing boyfriend’s connections to make sure the younger got a chance to even apply). He would finally be joining Jaebum after years of waiting, of anticipating and planning. Things were looking up and Youngjae, for once, wasn’t so scared for the future. He wasn’t scared to share who he was with his family, he wasn’t scared to reveal how he felt about the boy with pierced ears who held his heart or the music that allowed him to express himself. So Youngjae sang. He sang and he laughed and he loved.  

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I don’t know how I would’ve faced myself without you.” 

“Yourself?” 

“Yeah, I was always scared to see what would happen if I actually tried to admit the truth of what I really wanted. You helped me see it was ok to be scared, to be imperfect.” 

“I’m glad. Because you showed me that there were things to live for. And I’ll never be able to repay you for that.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on tumblr if you want as well. I'd love to hear more from anyone and will gladly take any prompts/requests!
> 
> https://lilacpages17.tumblr.com/


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